I AM NOURISHED BY THIS RIVER & THIS MUD, THIS SEASON OF SLOW
Daily Meditation, Inspirations, and Practices for the Sacred Masculine March 28
I am impatient with this pain. Yet my heart yearns to feel, and to be felt.
To know myself is to feel this pain, the pain of peeling away the layers of protection I’ve grown, so that I would avoid suffering, avoid feeling myself, alive.
I am impatient with this season.
I would often hear this from my teachers: Listen to your body; allow it to tell you whether this pain you feel is the pain of something opening to more of this life, or something that needs gentleness.
This was always a good reminder. It is today as I sit, suffering my impatience.
Whenever things become uncomfortable it is time for me to become still. What did I tell my students just learning to walk the tango? Exactly this: Slow down; pause. Effectively, to “polarize” into their fullest awareness of the moment and quite literally to “hold the space.” So it is for me: to feel whatever pain I am trying to avoid, to notice my impulse to move more quickly, to force Her —the always-beyond-me feminine that flows, wants to flow ever more freely— to notice this impulse to force Her to my will, and to become more still than I want. To feel whatever pain I’m avoiding and allow myself to receive what I am resisting, what She is laying at my feet…
I am confused right now. So much coming at me. Yes, a river surging through me! Desires! Expectations! Neediness! Anticipation! —so much suffering!
I am being dramatic. But that’s how it feels: dramatic.
Taking a breath I know that the suffering is minor. Not just a seasonal thing, but certainly seasonal too. Familiar. Uncomfortable, nonetheless.
Another thing to remember: this sweet happiness I’m enjoying these past days, months, and yes, even past years —I didn’t get here without feeling pain. Fact: It was stepping up to feel this pain of the stripping away of myself, revealing more of myself, my tenderness to life, this is why I am the way I am today.
So… to do these two things at the same time, that is my art: honouring my impatience, my disappointment, my yearning; and to hold these feelings, gently. To allow myself to feel it all, and to trust. Yes, always this: trusting that this river of feeling is always nourishing me, and always wearing away the layers that protect me from knowing myself, knowing this moment.
This season, I was told by a witch —and there is no way to name these women who teach the magic of the world and Her rhythms, Her seasons, Her dark unknown than to know her as one of the daughters of Circe— this is the season of mud. Winter’s root work now begins to flow towards flowering and fruiting. But in this season the flow is slow. The river is muddy. Dark. Full of portents but also caught in eddies and backwaters that invite patience and reverence. In this slow season the witch reminded me to know the many-petalled beauty of the lotus, but also its necessary and deliberate passage from root, through stem, leaves, through budding. None of it to be hurried.
Pause. Breathe. Know, with unreasonable knowing, the flowering and the fruiting. Her beauty is always present. Feel it even in the mud. Even in the so-slow of this season when everything longs to burst but must be patient. Patient. Feeling it all. Feeling it all…
And so, along with the desires that have been stirred, the expectations I’ve (foolishly) fuelled, I allow myself to feel more deeply and more easily the familiar impatience.
(To what end, I now ask? What is my hurry? To rush through Her slow gifts to be extinguished? I am, today, nearer my end than I was yesterday, in no hurry for that. Slow and allow myself to receive Her nourishment…)
We are, all of us, just learning to walk. I am, even today, still rushing to know love and all of its adornments.
This is, in its own way, painful to know about myself. Hence, this moment, perhaps.
So I pray for stillness. To only breathe. To only see with fresh eyes what is before me. To feel it all, and allow this season to bless me with Her mud, Her slow river —to receive all that She offers me.
🌀 …When there is very little or no water, land that was once fertile can turn into a desert. In the same way we have emotions to flourish in our lives.
(Kundalini Yoga School, Know Thyself & Be You sadhana, Day 6)
🌀...the woman [is] not just a follower, she [is] to whom the tango [is] dedicated.
....to dance tango, you must listen to the heart of the woman. (Cacho Dante, The Tango and Trapeze Acts)
🌀 ...he wants your energetic openness. Your sexual responsiveness--your moans, writhes, and orgasms -- attract him out of his dry world of fear into the deep waters of heart-surrender. (David Deida, Finding God Through Sex)
🌀..Mere philosophy will not satisfy us. We cannot reach the goal by mere words alone. Without practice, nothing can be achieved. (Sri Swami Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali)
🌀The Conscious Warrior practices the cultivation of wonder and awe. (John Wineland, Precept 7)
🌀You are beautiful. (My beloved, my Oracle)
TODAY'S SUGGESTED PRACTICE
Day 11 of this month's practice, from one of Shaun Cooke’s practices, offered at the end of our podcast conversation:
Please read through first, then ...
* Today, again, set three alarms randomly through your day.
* When the alarm sounds, wherever and however you are, stand still, take a deep breath, check your usual tension places (ie. Belly, shoulders, top of chest, etc) and notice: What, if anything, am I feeling? Am I allowing myself to feel it fully? If not, What am I afraid will happen if I feel all of this fully? Just notice.
* Whether you are feeling the need to close to your feelings, or to open to your feelings, breathe long and deep (through your nostrils, deep into your belly, a little slower on each exhale) for three breaths.
* Notice if the feeling has changed.
* Consider what you might do to feel more open, or how it would feel to be more closed.
* Continue with your day until the next alarm sounds, and repeat.
* At the end of the day, consider the notion of “safety.” Is it holding you back from something? It is helping you go through a difficult time or place? What can you do to feel more “safe,” even in challenging times and places? This is a way towards your own Path of the Sacred Masculine, your own capacity to hold safe and sacred space for yourself as life gives you tests and bridges to who you really are. Which, in its way, becomes your path to your sacred feminine, the flow that nourishes you, held by the trust you have in yourself (ie. your trust in your sacred masculine).
COMING UP AT SACREDBODIES.CA
Please register at sacredbodies.ca/events or set up a time to ask questions at sacredbodies.ca/chat
Note: Many events at SacredBodies.ca are either no-charge or discounted for men and women in the Path of the Sacred Masculine or Sacred Marriage programs. Ask me about this if you’ve got questions.
April 5: Live online conversation with Ted Riter, “Men & Sacred Sexuality”
April 12: Live online conversation with Leroy Gordon, “Men’s Work & the Four Archetypes II: The Magician”
April 28: In person “Sacred Sexuality for Couples” workshop, Vancouver Island
May 1: Online training for men, Path of the Sacred Masculine (first intake, 2023)
Ps. Thank you for reading.
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